Cooking For Seniors & Eastern Shore Brothers & Geezer Humor

A few years ago, I decided to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner for a handful of seniors that live in my neighborhood.  They had family, but distant, and it seemed like a nice way to ensure they had a taste of Thanksgiving.  I had never cooked for older people before, but some basic rules seemed self-evident: Keep it simple.  No dressing with oysters, no gourmet vegetables, don't over spice things and leave it to the standard fare.  That cooking experience went over well, and I continued to do it, expanding it out to Christmas, and some meals during those cold, snowy days, but I rarely cook for them during the hotter summer months.   When I do cook for them in the summer it's usually cooler foods like chicken salad.

Here are a few of the things I've learned since starting this courtesy:

*   Nothing too spicy--this is more of a challenge than you would think.  As we age, our sense of taste diminishes, and often you need to be wary of salt (high blood pressure), or peppers (digestion).

*  Make sure they can chew it--this eliminates a lot of meats, but more on that in a minute.

*  Small portions--they pick away at rolls and sweets and a lot goes to waste.  I've learned over time to buy small rolls, bake mini muffins, or make small cookies.  You can buy small pre-packaged cookies (lunch box size) now, and this has been a real boon.

*  Small containers--coming out of the Depression of the 1920's, they all hate to see food go unused.  It's a real issue with them, some to the point that they don't want Meals on Wheels because "it will only go to waste."  Luckily we live in an age of the small, disposable containers that have a visual and psychological effect to establish nothing will be left.

*  Sweets--apparently, from what I've learned, we never lose our sweet tooth.  They love chocolate, and they love ice cream.  Luckily, there are no diabetics that I feed, so sugar isn't an issue.

* Containers--they have to be able to open it.  When you're young, you take so much for granted--like pop tops on soda cans.  Not easy at 94.

All of the people I feed (and the group is four people, ages 85-94) live in their own homes, most have daytime caregivers, and they remain amazingly self-sufficient.  Luckily, none in my little group have any special health needs or allergies, and while they eat sparingly, they do like home cooked food. 

Tonight I decided to cook them a brisket, after one of the older women I know told me "I am so sick of chicken."  (I had been buying her chicken nuggets, at her request, because she can microwave them easily.  Granted, I had to teach her how to use a microwave, but that's another story).  So dinner, which I'm about to go deliver, is brisket (some of the meat sliced thinly and some pulled so they can make sandwiches), small rolls, mini blueberry muffins for breakfast tomorrow, small pudding cup packages, mashed potatoes, applesauce (again those small containers), string beans, and cut up watermelon bites.  Brisket is a great meat for the elderly because it can be cooked quite tender which makes it easier for them to chew and digest.

Now...about the Eastern Shore brother.  While I was cooking a male friend called me from San Francisco.  "Oh...yeah...you're cooking for your old people."   He said,  "Did I ever tell you about my brother over on the Eastern Shore?  One time we were out riding on one of those back country roads....he will never take a main road...it always has to be those back roads, and we got stuck behind this car driving slow..and my brother started screaming "POLYESTER GEEZERS.  POLYESTER GEEZERS."  Why are you going on like that", I asked him, and he said "there's polyester geezers all over the road"...so they got past that car, then got stuck behind a truck bearing chickens, and the brother starting screaming CHICKEN FARMING BASTARDS.  CHICKEN FARMING BASTARDS....and so on down the road with an epithet for everyone.  Another time, this same brother left a message on my friend's answering machine at work that said "This is yer bruther.  I'm sitting here pouring beer down my neck and turning cheap beer into piss."  

My San Fran friend also told me a geezer joke.  A man runs into his buddy and says "I just bought the best kind of hearing aid, and his friend said "What kind is it," and he said "About  a quarter to four."

So that's about as hot as my Friday night is going to get.  This week.  In the kitchen.

P.S. My San Francisco friend just read this piece and said "It's just like we talked it," but he also added, jokingly, "It's like those care and feeding books for pets."

        

                              Chicken Farming Bastard Truck