Guest Blogger: Lori - Rants On Pants

I am writing to you today to tell you that I am through caring about who ends up as a justice of the Supreme Court. I could give a flying fart about whether or not Rafael Palmeiro did or did not purposefully do steroids. These issues, and many others like them, are now small potatoes to me. I have finally found my calling in life, and I am writing today to urge you to climb aboard my bandwagon, to join my quest to make positive changes on a subject that certainly affects all Americans, if not all the people of the world.  Get on your computers, fire up your fax machines and tell your Congressmen that it’s time to do something about an issue that affects us all: women’s clothing sizes.

 

I honestly don’t know why we’ve let this problem go on for as long as we have without doing anything about it. I did some checking today at the library hoping to figure out where it all started and still I am completely baffled.  I decided to start at the beginning. I already knew that over the milllennia many religious sects have required women to wear dresses, so I dug up a copy of the Bible and checked to see what other requirements might be in there. You know what I found? I read through the whole Adam and Eve debacle and while God does guarantee Eve that she’ll have pain in childbirth for the original sin, nowhere in the book of Genesis does he state that she won’t be able to find a consistent clothing size. Go ahead and check.  It’s not in there, I swear.  Personally I’ve never had a child but I’m willing to bet that most women would tell you that the YEARS of pain and aggravation generated by irresponsible clothing manufacturers is far worse than the few HOURS of pain associated with childbirth.

 

For the men in the audience who truly don’t understand what I’m talking about, nor why women have to try on “every piece of clothing in every damn store,” let me explain: (If you’re a woman, go ahead and skip ahead. You already understand perfectly don’t you?)  You go into a store, lets say The Gap, and you try on a pair of jeans, size 8. They fit perfectly. You buy them. Happiness ensues.  A little later that same day you’re in another store, lets say The Limited, and you try on a pair of jeans, size 8. You can’t get into those bastards to save your life. This is because The Gap’s size 8 is not now nor ever will be The Limited’s size 8.  The problem isn’t restricted to just different store sizes either. You are in Hecht’s and you try on a pair of Dockers twill pants in khaki size 8. They fit fine. You then try on a pair of Dockers denim pants size 8. Nope. They’re too big. Same brand mind you, but two different sizes. However, that’s not the worst.  The worst one is: you try on a pair of Dockers twill pants in a khaki color size 8 and they fit. You buy not only the khaki color, but the black as well so that you have more than one pair of pants that fit at your disposal. You get these pairs of pants home and decide that you need to see how the black pair looks with the sweater you bought just last week. But here’s where the fun comes in: the black pair doesn’t fit you. They’re the SAME EXACT PAIR of pants as the khaki ones you just tried on less than an hour ago, but for some reason they just won’t fit. This, my male friends, is what women go through every day.

 

It’s enough to make a person crazy. A good friend of mine assures me that her husband can go into any store, walk to the men’s department, pick up a pair of 36’s, buy them without ever having to try them on and they’ll fit, no sweat. After all, a 36 measurement is a 36 measurement no matter where you go.  My father however assures me that men have similar problems. He promises me that he’s got two pair of size 34 jeans and one can be buttoned while the other can’t.   I can’t speak for either of them. All I can say is that no matter what size female you are be it 8 or be it 58 (if you’re smaller than an 8 go out and eat a “Happy Meal” toothpick!) the size you wear is not the size you wear. You’ve got 3 different sizes hanging up in that closet of yours, don’t you? I know I do. Most of them don’t fit either.

 

So my point, ladies and gentleman is that we need to get on our phones, computers and faxes and tell our legislators that something needs to be done. Stop worrying about the next Supreme Court Justice most of us won’t end up before him or her anyway.  If men want to pump themselves full of steroids and hit a thousand home runs... great. (It just means we’ll all get more sex! [At least until things start falling off!]) Just say, "Rafael Who???"  We need to stand up for regulated clothing sizes not only from store to store, but within each and every clothing line. Doing so will guarantee the sanity and happiness of all women everywhere and, surreptitiously, all men too. (Just think how little time you’ll have to spend waiting while your woman tries on clothes!!) Oh who am I kidding? We’ll still want to try on the whole store…  Thank you in advance for your support and Good Night.

 

             The Hep Hop Generation

 

 

 

not written by washington cube